Who doesn’t love the classic Charlie Brown holiday specials? As a kid, I imagined waiting in pumpkin patch with Linus for the Great Pumpkin. I personally identified with the hard-on-his-luck Charlie Brown, and secretly rooted for him to finally kick that football … And rub it in that smug pop psychologist Lucy’s face.
One of the most enduring gags of the television specials is how the adults spoke. Apparently, Charles Schultz, the creator of the Peanuts cartoon, intentionally never showed adults in his cartoon, so as to make the children’s point-of-view as the cartoon’s focus. So the prohibition of adults from the original cartoon created a challenge when one of the television specials proposed a classroom interaction between the kids and their teacher. To keep the “parent world” offscreen, a trombone player was brought in to become the voice of the teacher’s speech in the television special. And so a running gag was born: No one can understand what the adults are saying.
For most parents, we often feel like the adults in the Charlie Brown television specials, speaking in an undecipherable and unintelligible foreign language to sighing children blankly staring into cell phone screens. We momentarily consider waterboarding our own children as we repeatedly ask in a clearly non-rhetorical fashion to dumbfounded faces: “What did I just say?” As we teeter on the last vestiges of sanity, we wonder how perfectly intelligent children ever lost their grip on the English language.
So why is communication with our kids so difficult? It comes down to a simple Gospel issue: Our kids are sinners … And so are we. Our kids’ hurts, hangups and heart issues often get in the way of clear communication. They’re upset that special person of the opposite gender won’t give them the time of day so they lash out or clam up. They feel unloved and friendless so they clamor for attention or put others down. Their sinful hearts’ desires lead to foolishly hurtful words: “I hate you!” Unfortunately, parents’ communications can quite easily fail because we’re sinners too: A rough day at work leads to impatience … Our misplaced hopes lead to misunderstandings … Tired eyes lead to closed ears.
Make no mistake: Both kids and parents communicate poorly because of our lingering sinful nature and not because our mouths cannot function properly. Jesus aptly summarizes the issue in Luke 6:45: “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” Our lips simply betray our hearts’ desires. Communication is a Gospel issue: As we grow in Christ-likeness – seeking His will, His desires and His kingdom, our hearts are progressively sanctified and so too our lips in the process.
Therefore, the challenge for parents is to become more Christ-like communicators with our kids. And, fortunately, the Bible has plenty to say in that regard. So here are eight quick thoughts on becoming a more Christ-like communicator with our kids:
- Be Quick to Listen (James 1:19): The core principle of being “quick to listen” is the desire to know and to understand our kids’ hearts – whether good, bad, calloused or crazy. For many parents, this challenging of listening to teenage kids seems intimidatingly impossible. We’d much rather pursue an easier path of parental dictatorship, where we simply desire compliance … And compliance does not require understanding. To the contrary, God desires us to really understand what makes our kids tick. And understanding requires intentionality. When my daughter was much younger, a wise parent once told me: “If you don’t listen to your kids now, they definitely won’t listen to you in 10 years.” Fortunately, I took that advice to heart. Throughout every stage of my daughter’s life, I’ve tried to create time and space to intentionally listen to my daughter in long car rides and Dairy Queen dates. Especially with distant teens, parents need to take the initiative to create time and space simply to listen without barking orders or trying to assert control.
- Be Slow to Speak (James 1:19): Restraint of the tongue requires the spiritual fruit of patience and an ample outpouring of the Holy Spirit – especially when our kids have wrecked the family station wagon or stayed out past curfew for the 57 millionth time. Simply speaking the first thing that pops into our heads has led to much foolishness and a lifetime of parental regret. When we speak, we must avoid all bitterness, wrath, malice or other unwholesome speech and speak with the Godly grace, forgiveness and wisdom that our kids need to hear.
- Speak Truth In Love (Ephesians 4:25; Colossians 3:16; 1 Thessalonians 5:12-14): OK, this one seems obvious: Don’t lie to your kids. But if we really analyzed our daily conversations with our kids, we would often find that we routinely tell half-truths or completely leave out information to achieve our insidious goals: To manipulate our kids to get what we want … Or to avoid another nasty argument … Or to generally maintain some level of control over our children. Most often, I have found Christian parents lie when it comes to their kids’ sin. Our tendency is to avoid admonishment of our children for fear of driving a wedge in a relationship. We must remember that truth and love are not mutually exclusive concepts.
- Handle Problems Today (Ephesians 4:26-27): When Ephesians 4:26-27 speaks “do not let the sun go down on your anger,” God is urging us to avoid procrastination. Unfortunately, we are a culture that glorifies the avoidance of confrontation. We’d much rather block and unfriend on social media than actually do the hard work of reconciliation and forgiveness. When it comes to our kids, parents also tend to kick the can down the line when it comes to tough topics. I mean, who really relishes the impending awkward conversation when your daughter is caught sneaking around with a dude you hardly know? However, anger held like a grudge provides a foothold for temptation from the devil and leads to an ever-expanding tornado of sin, including bitterness, wrath and malice. When we put off conversations, simple problems multiply to a sticky, chaotic mess. As I heard pastor recently say: “It’s easier to kill two rabbits in your backyard before they multiply into 10,000.”
- Quit Complaining (Philippians 2:14; 1 Thessalonians 5:18): When we routinely complain about the mundane aspects of life, we are teaching our kids that we should not be content in Christ through every circumstance. To the contrary, 1 Thessalonians 5:18 states that the will of Christ is to give thanks in every circumstance. This Biblical prohibition doesn’t mean that we don’t tell our kids to clean up our room or take out the trash. But we should consider refraining from the type of unhealthy complaint that overflows from the selfish desires of our heart about smelly rooms, hectic schedules and broken down cars. Parental responsibility does not give us license to perpetually complain to and about our kids regarding their bad habits and relationship dramas. Grumbling is not Godliness … Grumbling simply reveals where we need more patience and contentment.
- Encourage (Ephesians 4:29; 1 Thessalonians 5:14; Hebrews 10:24-25): When the New Testament speaks of “encouragement,” it’s never in connection with baseball games, homework or spelling competitions. Biblical encouragement is about spurring another believer onward in the faith. Specifically, we should be our kids’ biggest cheerleaders in the Christian faith. All of those times when you rouse grumpy kids out of bed for church is not an annoyance … It’s important Gospel work. When you talk to your kids about the importance of daily devotions or small group Bible study, you are motivating your kids towards the finish line of the faith. And when our kids challenge our beliefs or express doubts in their faith, our Biblical responses eventually form the foundation of our kids’ faith system. As we draw nearer to the day of Christ’s return, we should not grow weary of encouraging our kids in their faith.
- Speak Grace (Ephesians 4:29-31; Colossians 3:8): Most importantly, we must forgive as Christ has forgiven us. As in the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:21-35), we cannot be a disciple whom Christ has forgiven much … But hold a grudge against every little fault of our children. As crazy as it seems from a distance, parents can easily become bitter and malicious against their own children – especially teenage ones – that spectacularly and egregiously sin. As we speak to a household of rebellious know-it-alls and venomous trolls, we must remember that we were once foolish rebels before the forgiveness of Christ. If our kids don’t hear words of forgiveness from their own families in Christ, they might not hear that message anywhere else apart from the grace of Christ.